Work yesterday was particularly difficult. There’s a London cold going around that has left me functioning at 56% for about 10 days now. I was saved, however, by the cunning of Bugs who, like a nursery school teacher, knew how to keep me occupied from my 9 – 6 shift before playtime started.

This is all relevant to the Agenda here because I have in fact handed in my notice; so to the No List goes the current job! [Andy Murray fist pump] Many contributing factors culminated in this decision, but namely it had taught me a lot about various industries, ways companies are run and what I want from job, and when that trickling stream of new knowledge dried out around 6 months ago, I knew I would never find my job perfection there. I hate stagnancy. But alas, I am an irritatingly careful decision maker and a massive floppy-cock so took my time to actually hand in my notice – mostly because I had no idea what to do next. But hey, more of that another time. To the immediate: Bugs very kindly set me a challenge, as I had read all the internet and needed to concentrate on something else. (Sure. I could have done some work, but that was actually making me ill with lack of energy, so Bugs gave me a challenge. With some cheek, my boss then gave me a bit of work to crack on with so I actually had to bash this out with 15 minutes to go before I left the office. Was great to have a deadline). So here you go. Thanks Bugsy. My assignment:

From: EM
Sent: 25 September 2012 12:01

I am employed to do work which is not taxing and leaves me time for dailymail-related research. Yet I work in such a capacity that I have not done anything today, and really cannot picture myself doing anything. There is stuff to be done and it’s really not pushing the boat out, but meh… so over it the only word in my head is “meh” in neon flashing lights. Well actually not, because it’s so dull that the neon sign short-fused and I didn’t replace it.


From: OPD
Sent: 25 September 2012 12:24
To: EM
Subject: RE:

Righto, in that case, I’ve got three topics for you to write about;

1.) The political situation in Syria (The idiots guide)

2.) A story about being a bored child and the mischief caused (theme – idle hands make light work for the devil)

3.) An in depth account ‘Stalkers Guide’ to Ryan Gosling

I would like 500 words on each or 1500 words on one of them by 4.30 today please!

From: EM
Sent: 25 September 2012 12:32
Subject: RE:

Oh you are clever! I chose stalking because it has the most use for me. And the reader.

From: ODP
Sent: 25 September 2012 12:41
To: EM
Subject: RE:

Glad you chose stalker by the way – far more interesting than what is going on in Syria!!!!

From: EM
Sent: 25 September 2012 12:42
Subject: RE:

What’s Syria?

From: OPD
Sent: 25 September 2012 15:16
To: EM
Subject: RE:

How is Ryan getting along?

From: EM
Sent: 25 September 2012 18:03
Subject: Stalking

Since the phenomenon came about in the early 19th century, people have become more and more disconcerted with those who follow other people around, friends or strangers, to get to know the intimate details of their lives and discover how best to intrude into it; more commonly referred to as “stalking”. The bad press has sadly (WHY WON’T YOU CALL?) meant that various enthusiasts have been excluded from communities, bullied and sometimes even have to stop their hobby by order of the law. Fewer things are more unjust. Society must be educated on the skills and determination (I LOVE YOU) of the stalker.

Sure, we can all dabble. But I want to share with you some real tips to get that certain special someone cornered with nowhere to go and no one to hear them scream (as the saying goes).

Take for example Ryan Gosling. Think background checks: are there blackmailing opportunities from an adolescent criminal record that are now sealed? Think sending anonymous tips to his current and ex-girlfriends to take up roles (yes they are all actresses fyi) with lots of dangerous own stunts (e.g. shark swimming / drowning scene). Get rid of your competition. How is he supposed to understand how you feel if you’re not straightforwardly giving him signs?! (NB Stay away from murder, celebs melt like Easter chocolate left under a desk lamp when anywhere near a prison – they’re a precious bunch e.g. no visits).

First steps first. IMBd – it’s situated on the double-u, double-u double-u and allows you to see all his past work (footnoted below). Like a French maid to an antique wardrobe, you must tickle the ego to ensure he knows you’re paying attention. No one loves him more than you, right? Whilst some silly bint is telling him they loved him in Notebook – trip the fat bitch up and throw in a curve ball “I’ve followed your work ever since Are You Afraid of the Dark” – he’ll smile that half-mouthed smile and at this point it is key to ask him for tea. Everybody loves tea.

The casual stalker is yet to learn such intricacies that make the difference between a signed breast and a beautiful man locked in your basement completely in the nuddy. We all stalk our mates on facebook, sure. What has that ex-boyfriend been up to – is he fat? No he’s looking quite well (WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME?!) the fit guy who actually has enough of a life to not really put much on his facebook – rarely tagged in photos (WHY DON’T YOU UPLOAD MORE PHOTOS YOU SELFISH MAN – I’M BORED HERE!!! DOUCHEBAG) – oh, nothing has changed on his profile yet – he hasn’t even gone “timeline”. And then there’s that gorgeous girl that you SO would if you had a penis or didn’t find the thought of lesbianism a bit distressing. Doesn’t she look great – how does she afford all those holidays, oh but she looks hideous on that elephant in Thailand (IN YOUR FACE!) and her banter is so plain when she comments on photos, – and then you feel better.

And this my friend, is the beautiful pastime of stalking (WHY DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND ME) which has grown this taboo-like status despite its undeniable fun / charm / empowering attributes. The hypocrisy of a nation that frowns upon capturing a symmetrically-faced man with a bit of subtle (YOU’RE MINE NOW POPPET) but yet daily ogles at mates they secretly fancy, well it’s just silly. (I’M WATCHING YOU).

And that was Tuesday. One month and counting…

2013 Untitled Terrence Malick Project (filming)

2013 Only God Forgives (post-production) Julien

2013 Gangster Squad (completed) Sgt. Jerry Wooters

2012 The Place Beyond the Pines Luke

2011 Drunk History Christmas (short) Pa

2011 The Ides of March Stephen Meyers

2011 Crazy, Stupid, Love. Jacob Palmer

2011/I Drive Driver

2010 All Good Things David Marks

2010 Blue Valentine Dean

2007 Lars and the Real Girl Lars Lindstrom

2007 Fracture Willy Beachum

2006 Half Nelson Dan Dunne

2005/I Stay Henry Letham

2005 I’m Still Here: Real Diaries of Young People Who Lived During the Holocaust (TV documentary) Ilya Gerber(voice)

2004 The Notebook Noah

2003 The United States of Leland Leland P. Fitzgerald

2002 Murder by Numbers Richard Haywood

2002 The Slaughter Rule Roy Chutney

2001 The Believer Danny Balint

2000 Remember the Titans Alan Bosley

1998-1999 Young Hercules (TV series) Hercules

Life for a Life (1999) … Hercules

Valley of the Shadow (1999) … Hercules

Ill Wind (1999) … Hercules

Apollo (1999) … Hercules

Mila (1999) … Hercules

1999 Hercules: The Legendary Journeys (TV series) Zylus

The Academy (1999) … Zylus

1999 The Unbelievables (TV movie) Josh

1997-1998 Breaker High (TV series) Sean Hanlon

To Kill a MockingNerd (1998) … Sean Hanlon

Heartbreaker High (1998) … Sean Hanlon

Chile Dog (1998) … Sean Hanlon

Lord of the Butterflies (1998) … Sean Hanlon

Kiss of the Shy-Er Woman (1998) … Sean Hanlon

1998 Nothing Too Good for a Cowboy (TV movie) Tommy

1997 Frankenstein and Me Kenny

1996 PSI Factor: Chronicles of the Paranormal (TV series) Adam

Dream House/UFO Encounter (1996) … Adam

1996 Kung Fu: The Legend Continues (TV series) Kevin

Dragon’s Lair (1996) … Kevin

1996 Road to Avonlea (TV series) Bret McNulty

From Away (1996) … Bret McNulty

1996 Goosebumps (TV series) Greg Banks

Say Cheese and Die (1996) … Greg Banks

1996 Flash Forward (TV series) Scott Stuckey

Double Bill (1996) … Scott Stuckey

Skate Bait (1996) … Scott Stuckey

1996 The Adventures of Shirley Holmes (TV series) Sean

The Case of the Burning Building (1996) … Sean

1996 Ready or Not (TV series) Matt Kalinsky

I Do, I Don’t (1996) … Matt Kalinsky

1995 Are You Afraid of the Dark? (TV series) Jamie Leary

The Tale of Station 109.1 (1995) … Jamie Leary